Hilarious Amazon reviews

Nobody reads this blog, but if someone did they'd probably think I was too damn angry. But it ain't always true, I swear. Here's some hilarious stuff I wish I had written myself. These are just random reviews I came across for various stuff at Amazon. Honestly, my jaw hurts from laughing so much. Thanks to these fine people, wherever they are. Enjoy!

Reviews Written by
Keith Whitener (Handsome Ville, USA__Population: Me)
Thank you Snapple!, June 29, 2004
A year ago, I collected 890 Snapple caps and I sent them in to get this table. It's a great table and I have lots of fun playing it. However, the abacus keeps falling off so I have to use wood glue, the tube the connects the goal to the ball deposit area had to be duck taped, I frequently have to adjust the rubber stoppers to keep it level, and one of the players has been decapitated. Albeit the latter, it's still an excellent table and it provides me with a great deal of entertainment. I would be willing to sacrifice the wellbeing of a busload of strangers to ensure the longevity of my table.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape DVD ~ Johnny Depp
Waste of time, August 7, 2004
This is a boring, worthless movie. It's about a guy living with an obese mom, retarded brother, and two sisters. Sad things happen that I don't care about.

There's no reason to watch this movie. It has no exciting parts that you can talk about later or funny lines. Oh no, poor people and a fat woman! Oh, this will make me appreciate life more and be a better person. No, no it won't.

This movie is not at all stimulating or entertaining. Don't watch it. Run away! Save yourself. Watch out, it's almost got you! I'll hold it off; you get out of here. Close the door and don't let it in. I'll try to stop it.

Reviews Written by
Matthew S. Woodworth RSS Feed (Apex, NC United States)
Sony MDR-R10 Home Style Headphones
Buy these right away, December 10, 2003
All my life I'm been unattractive to women. I've tried everything in an effort to get the chicks. However, dressing like Harry Potter, buying a wicked Ford Focus, getting a job as a computer programmer, and learning to play the harp all failed to deliver on their promise of converting me into a babe magnet.

Nothing worked until I bought these headphones. Now the lovely ladies are swarming to me. They are worth every penny.


David Hasselhoff Looking for Freedom
David Hasselhoff is my personal God. David Hasselhoff's legend has no bounds. He has replaces Howard Stern as the King of All media. I wasn't expecting too much when I picked up the album on Amazon. To be honest, I only bought it because I loved the pants he's wearing on the album cover and I thought I could hang the jewel case on my bedroom wall.

If you want to hook up with some booty this album is required background music. DH is da man!!! I've never been so fly with the ladies as I am now that I have Hasselhoff's latest masterpiece flowing from the speakers of my Chevy Cavalier station wagon.

In short, if you like great music and you want to be attractive to the opposite sex you must buy this album.

JR from Long Beach, CA 3
I was so excited when this came out in theatres. I was all like, a new Cronenberg film? I am there compadre! About half way through the film, I learned a little bit about myself. I thought, "wait a minute self, I hate David Cronenberg." This movie is the rare blend of abhorrent and repelent. Also, the whole thing is a pretty flimsy metaphor for anal sex, and if that's your thing, then you should, ya know, get a porn.

Smoke Free Wisconsin

Fuck these assholes and their fascist radio ads I heard this morning. (A bad way to wake up lemme tell ya)
http://www.smokefreewi.org

Hey, at least they're honest. Oh but doesn't "policy change" just sound soooo nice? Ahh, "policy change"...gee it almost sounds voluntary. Yes, let's jack up taxes for people who don't make the same choices WE make. That will fix everything! Oh and we care about the CHILDREN! It's always about the children! Quick, consult the stock photo library for shots of smiling children! Ahh yes, everyone has a RIGHT to tobacco-free air. What's that? You DO want to smoke on your own property? WELL FUCK YOU SLIM, WE'RE DO-GOODERS AND OUR RIGHTS ARE BETTER THAN YOURS! We are ridding the world of evil as we see it! Hooray!

If 2\3rds of Wisconsinsites truly support raising taxes on the Other Guy (which might be bullshit, these polls are always worded in such a bleeding heart manner no matter what it is. But it still "feels" right) then 2/3rds of Wisconsinites had better prepare for the day when big brother puts the squeeze on THEIR particular "vice". Americans are the biggest fucking hypocrites imaginable. For all our misty-eyed flag waving histrionics it's quite clear that most people don't give a shit about freedom. It's all just for show. MY freedom is correct, YOURS is wrong so here let's get the neighborhood bully to shake you down for your lunch money. That'll teach you.

Better hope you can keep a firm grip on that stick folks, cause once it gets loose you might be on the wrong end of it.

Work On A Local File MY ASS!

The advice bandied about in the publishing biz that one should always save a COPY of a network server document to your local hard drive, work on the file and save it, then copy it back to the file server is FUCKING BULLSHIT! That is 100% unacceptable. Then why have a fucking network where a group of people share files in the first place? It makes no goddamn sense. Yeah, let's have multiple copies all over the damn place! What's the most recent version? Who the hell knows? Uh...I think Bill worked on it last... What a mess.

If your software is corrupting documents by saving over the network then that's a BUG that needs to be CORRECTED. Telling people to play it safe with this copying back and forth bullshit is a total cop-out. Quark, Abode, Apple, Microsoft...you need to get your shit together. Asking us to not work with the central file server makes no fucking sense. FIX the fucking software so it works! This is an unacceptable, showstopper bug if documents are getting corrupted by basic network workflow.

Total Destruction

It's true, the sad fact is that my personal sense of well being is hinged directly upon the integrity of computer data. This morning I learned that I had accidentally moved my Documents folder into a temporary folder and then deleted that. I found the folder in the trash and immediately moved the contents back. Unfortunately the only surviving folders are M through Z. A through L are gone. Most missed is my Mozilla e-mail folder. File recovery apps seem to recover a bunch of useless generic files. Fine for images or text files, but not fine for a Mozilla e-mail directory full of cryptic insider files no non-programmer could make sense of. The directory structure appears to be lost. It's kinda like smashing your favorite glass art sculpture to pieces and then some guy saying, "Hey it's all cool, I will find all the pieces for you and put them in one box!" Yeah, great.

The moral of the story is; Back up your data right now. You don't have to wait around for a mechanical drive failure, you could stupidly delete a whole folder with one mistracking optical mouse movement! It ruins your whole fucking day lemme tell ya.