As you all know, any day now the world will collapse into utter chaos. Melting glaciers, floods, tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes, giant clouds of black pollution melting people's faces off, famine, disease outbreaks and just general unpleasantness. It will certainly happen in our lifetime, much as it will certainly happen in every generation before us. Oh yes my friends, we are all fucking doomed and it's our fault. Wretched humans destroyed the planet! There's no hope! We're all gonna die! It's the End Times don't you know? Oh yes indeed, Jesus is coming back and will judge the living and the dead. I swear, it will happen in our lifetimes. No, seriously if you read the bible it says so. It's us man, it's our generation. Everyone else was wrong. Ooh cripes, I can feel the apocalypse drawing near! Look out!
Or is it? Do we have to accept global holocaust which is coming Any Day Now? I think not! The solution is simple. The problem is overpopulation. The earth is just too loaded up with pesky humans and a finite amount of natural resources. The quality of life for everyone will increase if there are less people and more resources, right? Of course. So the solution is that half of the human population must be eliminated. Now hold on, I know what you're thinking, this is utter madness! Murder is wrong! Well yes, of course it is. But my plan is entirely voluntary. What you must do is find another person; preferably a stranger, or even someone you know if you prefer. Every human must pair up with another human. Race, sex or religion is not important. Once you have found your teammate you will then flip a coin to determine which one of you will commit suicide. The loser of the toss must kill him or herself within one year. The winner will get a special t-shirt to wear indicating that their partner lost and will be sacrificing themselves for the Greater Good. Within a year 50% of earth will be gone. Oh I know, it will be sad to see so many people die, but remember, this is to avoid EVERYONE dying! Which would you rather have? There's no question if we don't implement a world wide suicide solution that our Mother Earth will be a hideous black mass of death and devastation.
So go out and find a partner today! By this time next year, if you are one of the lucky survivors, you will be enjoying a bright new future. If not, be glad in the fact that your grisly sacrifice will be for the Benefit Of Future Generations. Because you know, it's not your life that's important, it's people that will be born 500 years from now. What kind of legacy will you leave them if you continue to sit around existing and wasting precious resources? Your great great grandchild will curse your vile name as they are dying of lung cancer in an overcrowded hospital floating on a barge off the coast of the former Mount Everest! Don't be such a greedy, selfish pig! Suicide is the only way to ensure the survival of the planet!
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3 comments:
A sincere thanks is in order, that is undoubtedly the most bizarre thing I've read in a long time. Okay, so I only got about halfway into it, but still... I am not sure how to respond to this. My jaw did drop, so that's good, but then it returned to it's regular position.
Thank you, Brother, for the comments. I find that many others also have a hard time getting through my Address.
It may be beneficial to take into account a groups actual resource usage in the equation. So for example: A group of 10 people living in sub-Saharan Africa would only need to lose 1 person. A group of 10 in the US would have to lose around 7-9. Now that sounds more fair. It is a resource use sort of equation.
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