Hilarious Amazon reviews

Nobody reads this blog, but if someone did they'd probably think I was too damn angry. But it ain't always true, I swear. Here's some hilarious stuff I wish I had written myself. These are just random reviews I came across for various stuff at Amazon. Honestly, my jaw hurts from laughing so much. Thanks to these fine people, wherever they are. Enjoy!

Reviews Written by
Keith Whitener (Handsome Ville, USA__Population: Me)
Thank you Snapple!, June 29, 2004
A year ago, I collected 890 Snapple caps and I sent them in to get this table. It's a great table and I have lots of fun playing it. However, the abacus keeps falling off so I have to use wood glue, the tube the connects the goal to the ball deposit area had to be duck taped, I frequently have to adjust the rubber stoppers to keep it level, and one of the players has been decapitated. Albeit the latter, it's still an excellent table and it provides me with a great deal of entertainment. I would be willing to sacrifice the wellbeing of a busload of strangers to ensure the longevity of my table.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape DVD ~ Johnny Depp
Waste of time, August 7, 2004
This is a boring, worthless movie. It's about a guy living with an obese mom, retarded brother, and two sisters. Sad things happen that I don't care about.

There's no reason to watch this movie. It has no exciting parts that you can talk about later or funny lines. Oh no, poor people and a fat woman! Oh, this will make me appreciate life more and be a better person. No, no it won't.

This movie is not at all stimulating or entertaining. Don't watch it. Run away! Save yourself. Watch out, it's almost got you! I'll hold it off; you get out of here. Close the door and don't let it in. I'll try to stop it.

Reviews Written by
Matthew S. Woodworth RSS Feed (Apex, NC United States)
Sony MDR-R10 Home Style Headphones
Buy these right away, December 10, 2003
All my life I'm been unattractive to women. I've tried everything in an effort to get the chicks. However, dressing like Harry Potter, buying a wicked Ford Focus, getting a job as a computer programmer, and learning to play the harp all failed to deliver on their promise of converting me into a babe magnet.

Nothing worked until I bought these headphones. Now the lovely ladies are swarming to me. They are worth every penny.


David Hasselhoff Looking for Freedom
David Hasselhoff is my personal God. David Hasselhoff's legend has no bounds. He has replaces Howard Stern as the King of All media. I wasn't expecting too much when I picked up the album on Amazon. To be honest, I only bought it because I loved the pants he's wearing on the album cover and I thought I could hang the jewel case on my bedroom wall.

If you want to hook up with some booty this album is required background music. DH is da man!!! I've never been so fly with the ladies as I am now that I have Hasselhoff's latest masterpiece flowing from the speakers of my Chevy Cavalier station wagon.

In short, if you like great music and you want to be attractive to the opposite sex you must buy this album.

JR from Long Beach, CA 3
I was so excited when this came out in theatres. I was all like, a new Cronenberg film? I am there compadre! About half way through the film, I learned a little bit about myself. I thought, "wait a minute self, I hate David Cronenberg." This movie is the rare blend of abhorrent and repelent. Also, the whole thing is a pretty flimsy metaphor for anal sex, and if that's your thing, then you should, ya know, get a porn.