The Trials Of Shopping

As my youth faded away into maturity, so went with it all the joy and warm glow once felt during the Christmas season. Whether this can be attributed to the simple passage of time or to self-imposed Scroogyness I cannot be certain. When one asks those types of rhetorical questions the answer is usually "a little of both". In regards to the self-imposed Scroogyness angle, I think the main rub is the fact that I hate shopping. In the physical stores, that is. Online shopping is much better and allows me to research things indefinitely in sacrifice of actually being able to see the item in person. Given my distaste for crowds and\or salesmen, this is a good compromise. But still, I feel fairly guilty about this fact. I wish I could enjoy the act of shopping like many people seem to, but it ends up becoming a chore. Not quite sure why that is considering there's no reason to feel bad. If you're shopping it means you've got money and are about to get some new stuff, so what's to worry about, right?

I don't even like grocery shopping all that much. Luckily I am blessed by a near-heroic grocery store within short driving distance which stays open until midnight. I say near-heroic because fully heroic would be a 24-hour grocery store. But that's a superfluous point, the main desire here is minimal interference with rival customers. I really feel like an ass standing in people's way. I can't linger in any one area for too long if there are other shoppers nearby. I feel like I am right in the way of that can of pickled hogs' feet they've got their eye on. You can't read labels or see if any House Industries fonts were used in the package design with a store full of customers, you've got to grab something and throw it in your cart without stopping! Well, you CAN do these take-yer-dear-sweet-time things, but you'd be That Jerk Who Won't Get Out Of The Way. I don't wanna be that guy! And certainly I don't want to violate people's personal space boundaries. Reaching in sideways in front of a contemplative shopper for that can of Creamed Gizzards isn't something I'd feel comfortable with.

Luckily after 10PM there's not too many people around the grocery store I patronize. There's a great word, patronize. Depending on the sound you say the letter "A" with you're either insulting someone's intelligence or buying something from their store. Isn't English great? Anyway, back to the grocery store. Usually there are under 5 different parties when I go in the evening. That is very pleasing. Now I can relax and contemplate purchases with more freedom than in earlier, busier hours. This, like online shopping also carries with it some sacrifices. There's no ladies around, attractive or otherwise when I shop after 10PM. Somehow I have to train myself to grant more weight to this end of the shopping pendulum instead of the easy breezy speed factor.

Now if you want to talk speed shopping you have to talk about Wal-Mart. I love Wal-Mart in principle in that they're giving folks what they want, but in practice I hate Wal-Mart. Or rather, in an aesthetic sense Wal-Mart rubs me the wrong way. Hate is probably too strong a word. But I have chosen them to be my primary source of motor oil and...well I can't quite think of anything else I buy there at the moment. There is something else, but right now I can only remember motor oil. I think I can get my motor oil at Wal-Mart faster than you can get a burger at the McDonald's drive-through.

Shopping in that blindingly bright shrine of bland consumerism is not something I wish to endure for too long. It's a combination of the customers, the staff and the merchandise which combine to generate extreme discomfort. So I do it like a man running barefoot over burning hot sand. I park my car in a distant spot, walk through the doors strategically avoiding pedestrian collisions in the vestibule, avoid the Greeter if at all possible, then make a beeline for the motor oil aisle with rapid, earnest strides just short of running. If Wal-Mart were a public swimming pool I would surely be marked by a life guard for potential yelling at through the cone. But before I know it I've got two jugs of 10W30 in hand and making strides toward the 8-items or less express lane. Oh if it were only so. I think the people who stand in front of grocery aisles contemplating their purchases whilst blocking my pre-planned mission are the same ones who always get in front of me at the Wal-Mart express lane. Relative subjective bias? Quite possible, but I say put it to a test. I would bet my total transaction time is less than the other slow pokes. Get some guys in lab coats with stopwatches on this right away! Before you know it I am off, receipt in hand in order to avoid any possible entanglements with the elderly cart stacker\exit cop person. (because you know people steal tons of stuff in the 20 feet between the register and the door!)

That reminds me of a worse physical shopping experience. Best Buy. Screw Best Buy! Worst lines I have ever been in in any store. (people say "in in" all the time in the spoken word, but it sucks when you have to write it out doesn't it?) Inevitably there will be six registers available with only two Best Buy lackeys working them, and a line sprawled out for yards. OPEN ANOTHER REGISTER MORONS! You know, if I had actually shopped at Best Buy within the past five years or so I might actually have a better rant, but that's what I remembered of my elder Best Buy experiences.

So what does any of this have to do with Christmas? Christmas shopping may be the most unpleasant of all. Crowds are almost unavoidable no matter the hour. Combine that with the challenge of having to think up decent gifts for your relatives and the ticking clock winding down towards December 25th and you've got yourself some Jolly Holiday Anxiety. Every year I know I should start shopping eariler but every year I screw it up and procrastinate. My ultimate theoretical solution is to buy up a closet full of moderately-appropriate gifts, at least enough for one year in advance and have them ready to go at any moment. Have a set of greeting cards ready to be pressed into service. All these things are entirely possible, quite logical and would eliminate tons of stress and anxiety; but I have yet to execute these plans. Once the day comes and goes I breathe easy once more and the best laid plans are laid to waste.

This year however I made some small progress. I did manage to order some stuff earlier than usual. The most logical thing would be to do everything online and well ahead of Christmas so that there would be plenty of shipping buffer available. I figure the earlier the packages arrive the more I can relax. Avoiding the physical stores entirely would be a worthy goal, but it requires discipline and planning. I am not sure I can hack it. The most dreadful feeling I know is walking into a department store with NO idea what I want or need to buy. The sensation is almost crushing.

I am not sure why people do this to themselves, this whole gift exchange thing. Is it not folly to assume another person knows your material desires better than you do? Perhaps, but there are such creatures who exist and I am in awe and reverence of them. Someone I know is a stupendous gift-giver. She rarely fail to impress, making the gift recepient, herself and the gathered crowd all pleased with her shopping expertise. I truly envy that ability. I don't know where it comes from. I can't seem to manage shopping with other people's desires and taste in mind. I tend to buy stuff which, although I might have no use or want of it myself, is still something I find aesthetically pleasing. Maybe that's a mistake. Seems like gift-giving really only clicks when both parties are of similar mind. Perhaps we should curtail our gift giving to only those parties to whom we are most intimate. That may make the trials of shopping less arduous. See how I tied in the name of the article at the very end? Clever, aina?